Sad America-loving conservatives already demanding secession

Obama campaign

The next Republican action: Everybody drive
your cars only in reverse, just to spite the guy!
C’mon, we can do this!
 

Aw, the party of ‘Merika has an enormous post-election sad:

In the aftermath of last week’s presidential election, residents in at least nineteen states have put up petitions on the government’s “We the People” petitioning website seeking the right to secede from the rest of the country. […]

Petitions for secession filed from Louisiana and Texas have already received well over 10,000 signatures. Per the website’s own rules, petitions that garner 25,000 signatures or more within 30 days require a response from the Obama administration.

Apparently this is the part of the conservative realization that (1) yes, the president is still a scary black man, and (2) nobody in America but them has a problem with that. There’s also been some premise going around that Obama’s moderateness and centrism the last four years only goes to prove how much he’s going to be a crazy secret-Muslim radical during the next four years, and if you can unpack that logic, you’ve got me beat. I have no idea what they’re going on about. Oh, and the Texas version has already topped the 25K threshold, so congratulations, Texas conservatives! You’ll be getting a special note from the Obama administration suggesting where you can go!

This doesn’t seem to be a purely regional thing, since even folks in Oregon and New York are piping up with their own petitions (and really, if you’re an Oregon or New York conservative, I feel a good amount of pity for you, I really do). But I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: This notion of conservative secession has its merits. Of course, as “True America” we’d want to attach some constraints to the separatists: no nuclear weapons, get your own damn military, and we’ll be carving out territory for you that consists entirely of places close to sea level, so that you can ignore climate change from the best possible vantage point. But this sounds pretty doable, once the logistics get worked out. So what are you going to call yourselves? United Galts of America? New Jesusland? That’s great, we’ll send you a card.


Herman Cain says conservatives need a third party

U.S. Republican presidential candidates gather before the start of their debate in Ames, Iowa August 11, 2011. They are (from L to R) Rick Santorum, Herman Cain, Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, Michele Bachmann, Tim Pawlenty, Jon Huntsman and Newt Gingrich. REUTER

I count at least seven potential third parties in this picture.
Twelve, if you include Mitt.

Oh, how I shall (not) mourn the end of this election season. But cheer up, America, because it looks like the aftermath will be with us for a good, long time. The Republican Party is in disarray!

Appearing on Bryan Fischer’s radio program this afternoon, [Herman] Cain called for a large faction of Republican Party leaders to desert the party and form a third, more conservative party.

“I never thought that I would say this, and this is the first time publicly that I’ve said it: We need a third party to save this country. Not Ron Paul and the Ron Paulites. No. We need a legitimate third party to challenge the current system that we have, because I don’t believe that the Republican Party … has the ability to rebrand itself,” Cain said.

A legitimate third party, mind you. If it’s not legitimate, the electorate has ways to shut that whole thing down. Or maybe I’ve got that backwards, I forget. Anyway, it’s nice of Cain to remind the nation once again that no, real Republicans or conservatives or whatever don’t think Ron Paul is “legitimate.”

I think I speak for all of us when I say that Herman Cain and the rest of “true” conservatism should get right on this. It’s long past time the Republican Party stopped trying to stitch together its social conservative and corporate anarchist wings—the only question is which of them will go off to form their own party first, and which will be stuck with the shameful, shameful Republican brand name.

Go, do it. Republicans: Go Galt, already! I don’t care who, or how, or why, I just want to see one of these insufferable little we-represent-all-of-America groups actually give it a go, after all these years of grumbling about it. Throw some crap in there about how corporations and wealthy people need to pay less taxes and you’ll have people throwing money at you, or you can go for the “birth control is an abomination unto my noggin” vote and make a bid for the very, very pissed off evangelicals. Take your pick, it’s all the same crap. It just needs a new name.

I propose you call it the Flee Party.


Fox News thinks hurricane relief fundraiser might just be sneaky ploy to reelect Obama

I am only shocked that it took as long as it did, but yes, now Fox News is having a sad that NBC’s Hurricane Sandy fundraising concert is going to have too many darn liberals and not enough conservatives. And why are they doing it now, right before the election? Why don’t they tell the hurricane victims to piss off for another week or two, rather than scandalously show people on TV who have previously expressed support for the not-Republican-guy?

Possibly insane guy whose name I can never remember: Did you hear what NBC’s decided to do? Listen, NBC, good intentions, raise some money for victims, but the timing is more than suspect. NBC today is gonna put together what they’re calling ‘Hurricane Sandy, Coming Together’, a concert. The question is, it’s gonna be Bon Jovi, Bruce Springsteen, Sting, Aguilera, Billy Joel—the question is, why the timing? Why is that today? Half the state of New Jersey doesn’t even have power, they can’t even watch this concert—is this more political, is this more let’s get this thing on TV before the election to make President Obama look presidential, or is it more to help out victims?

Guy whose name is Steve Doocy, which I remember only because he says dumb things with more frequency than the other guy: It does look like they are trying to squeeze things in, keep in mind, there you’ve got Bon Jovi, and Bruce Springsteen, both supported the President of the United States, Barack Obama, and in fact Mr. Springsteen I believe has been traveling with the President of the United States, uh, where are the conservative performers? There aren’t any on the list I saw. Now remember last time, when NBC did the event for Katrina, do you remember Kanye West where he said George Bush doesn’t care about black people? And Mike Myers, standing right next to him, had that shocked look on his face? How’s NBC gonna, you know, that’s the picture right there. How’s NBC gonna control what the people say?

Original possibly insane guy, who I think is probably not so much insane as faking it for his sweet, sweet paycheck: But the point is—the last one, for Hurricane Katrina, I’m sorry Gretchen, was ten days after … at least, at least, all right maybe it was 9/11, it was 9/11, it was ten days after, it let the city get its feet under itself first before they went to this. This just seems like a rush job, because the election is gonna be three days after that.

Guy who I am pretty sure is Doocy, I think?: It is a hurricane benefit, or a concert for Obama?

Guy of indeterminate sanity: I dunno.

That’s the whole problem with Hurricane Sandy. It’s just so damn inconvenient for those stupid meteorologists to have scheduled it right before the election. And then NBC rubs it in by showing liberals on television!

For those of you unfamiliar with your crackpot Fox News hosts, Fox & Friends is basically a version of Fox News dumbed down for even dumber people. They take all the talking points from regular Fox News during that day, but present them in a higher-pitched, less brain-intensive version. People are tired, that early in the morning, and possibly still drunk from their night-long griping session about how government just needs to get off their back and let companies pipe toxic sludge directly to their home faucets. You’re not supposed to really watch Fox & Friends, you’re supposed to just leave it on in the background so that you can absorb the information via emotional, conspiratorial osmosis, or maybe so when you leave for the day your pets can hear the noise and still think their crazy, ranting owner is still muttering away in a corner somewhere. I don’t know what pills Roger Ailes slips into the three hosts’ drinks every morning, but someone should really call the FDA or the SPCA or something—because these folks just ain’t right.

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Conservative Super PAC says vote Republican because Abraham Lincoln

The actual ad. Warning: May cause extreme depression, possible hand-shaped bruises on forehead.
(via Talking Points Memo)

I don’t even know what to say to this. It’s a new Republican Super PAC ad apparently actually playing in Ohio, and it announces—quote—the “major revelation” that Republicans really get black Americans because Obama sucks and Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves, and since he was a Republican that means that Republicans are totally cool with black people forever, period, end of sentence, and LOOK WE HAVE A STOCK PHOTO OF BLACK PEOPLE, POSSIBLY STOLEN FROM SOME ADVERTISEMENT FOR LIFE INSURANCE, CHOLESTEROL MEDICATION, OR ANY ONE OF A THOUSAND OTHER PRODUCTS MORE APPEALING than a low-budget message to black Americans to ignore the larger part of the 20th century because OMG REMEMBER ABRAHAM LINCOLN YOU GUYS.

So the Republicans are now the party of civil rights, which is no doubt why they’ve been going on for decade after decade about states’ rights and southern heritage and southern strategies and how the Confederate flag is great and putting up billboards warning minorities not to vote and … you know what? I don’t even have the energy. And from the looks of the ad, neither do they. A look at the Super PAC in question suggests that they may be an exceedingly low-budget group of lily-white crazy people trying to influence the election via a steady stream of stock photos and bullshit, which hardly seems to fit the purpose of being a Super PAC, which is to be a high-budget group of lily-white crazy people trying to influence the election via a steady stream of stock footage and bullshit. They’re degrading the meaning of the word “Super.” Stephen Colbert needs to sue these people for making a mockery of our God-and-SCOTUS-given American system of bullshit.

Next up: how Latinos should vote for Mitt Romney because he’s, like, practically Mexican if you think about it the right way. No—I think we already did that one? I can’t remember.

Next Tuesday. We just have to retain our sanity until next Tuesday. Wednesday, tops. Except next it’ll be the lame duck session, when we get to find out why Abraham Lincoln would want us to screw over old people so that rich people can get better tax breaks. Oh, I can hardly wait to see the ads for that one.

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Steve King warns hurricane victims might just spend the money we give them on ‘Gucci bags’

Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa)

Rep. Steve King (R-Sociopath)

Hey, have I mentioned lately that Iowa Rep. Steve King is a sociopath? I’m pretty sure I mentioned that. Anyway, now he’s going on about how we shouldn’t spend any federal money on helping people recover from Hurricane Sandy until after we’re sure they won’t just spend it on “Gucci bags” and “massage parlors.”

“I want to get them the resources that are necessary to lift them out of this water and the sand and the ashes and the death that’s over there in the East Coast and especially in the Northeast,” King said during a Tuesday evening debate in Mason City, Iowa.

“But not one big shot to just open up the checkbook, because they spent it on Gucci bags and massage parlors and everything you can think of in addition to what was necessary,” he said later, referring to Hurricane Katrina.

Well, he voted against helping Katrina victims too, so he’s at least a very consistent sociopath. I wonder how far off the party line King is on this one. We probably won’t know until after the election, since any politician who is not a gigantic, sociopathic moron is probably keeping their “let’s not help hurricane victims because I want more tax cuts” to their goddamn selves.

Sign our petition telling House Republicans to not take Hurricane Sandy relief hostage in lame duck negotiations.


Conservatives tested which anti-Obama conspiracy films to send to voters

Gopasaur

I don’t know why I find this so amazing, given everything else that’s gone on the last few months, but the New York Times piece is something else. Apparently, a group of cash-rich conservatives wanted to finance some good old fashioned, fear-mongering direct mail campaign, but they didn’t have any particular message to get out, they just wanted to get people to vote against Obama. So they selected a set of anti-Obama films of, ahem, dubious quality, then hired Frank Luntz to tell them which of those films they ought to start mailing out to people:

They went to the unusual length of arranging a focus group to test anti-Obama films. Conducted by Frank Luntz, the well-known Republican research analyst, a 30-person focus group looked at three choices: Dinesh D’Souza’s “2016: Obama’s America,” which theorizes that the president’s political beliefs were shaped by the radical “anticolonial” views of his Kenyan father; “The Hope and the Change,” a softer critique of the president that features interviews with disaffected former Obama supporters; and “Dreams From My Real Father,” which posits the implausible theory that the president’s real father is Mr. Davis, and that Mr. Davis indoctrinated him with Marxist views early on.

Left (surprisingly?) unsaid in all this: whether or not the films were flatly untrue was of no apparent concern. For that matter, whether or not the films were the most wretched, conspiratorial slanders you could imagine did not particularly concern them either:

Focus groups were revolted by “Dreams From My Real Father,” with its conspiracy theory paranoia and dubious evidence. It compares photos of the president and Mr. Davis, noting that they have similar noses and freckles. It also purports to have uncovered nude photos of Mr. Obama’s mother in a bondage magazine.

Mr. Luntz’s clients were not surprised. Their thinking was, “I want to know if it’s as bad as I think it is,” Mr. Luntz said.

Translation: They knew it was a rancid pile of conspiratorial, lying dung—but they still wanted to know if showing it to people would work. The conservative movement is now focus grouping its conspiracy theories to see which ones to promote to voters.

The conservatives in this case are, unsurprisingly, left unidentified. That is a shame, because I think if someone is going to all the trouble of focus grouping which lies they would most like to finance and distribute to the American people in order to influence an election, I really think the American people ought to be given the privilege of knowing which of America’s top odious crapsacks are behind such a thing. For one thing, they clearly need their taxes raised to the point where they no longer have money to spend on such hobbies. (Frank Luntz, for his part, continues his noble career of explaining, for money, how to most effectively lie to people; surely, there needs to be an award given someday for his own contribution to our new political landscape.)

As it turns out, of course, all three films are making the rounds. D’Souza’s nutcase film has received plenty of attention, or at least did until D’Souza botched it all up by forgetting that his fellow conservative crackpots weren’t quite as keen on adultery as he had presumed they were. The Hope and the Change, chose as the least repulsive by Frank Luntz’s guinea pigs, is being shown to voters on local cable stations. And the ultra-insane crackpot one is being mailed out to voters as well, thanks to other anonymous conservative financiers. There doesn’t seem to be any problem getting a steady stream of cash for promoting whatever conspiracy theories might need promoting.


John McCain says the Iraq War was Colin Powell’s fault

US Republican presidential nominee Senator John McCain (R-AZ) reacts to almost heading the wrong way off the stage after shaking hands with Democratic presidential nominee Senator Barack Obama (D-IL) at the conclusion of the final presidential debate at H

Everyone’s favorite picture of John McCain

The circle of Republican hackery on Iraq is now complete. Responding to Colin Powell’s endorsement of Pres. Obama, official Republican maverick John McCain (R-Sunday) first dropped the F word:

“General Powell, you disappoint us and you have harmed your legacy even further by defending what is clearly the most feckless foreign policy in my lifetime,” McCain said on Brian Kilmeade’s radio program.

(Note that leaving Iraq is now considered more feckless than going to war there in the first place, which should tell you all you need to know about John McCain’s mavericky foreign policy ideas, and that’s without even going into all that Vietnam business that seems like it could have maybe been pretty darn feckless too, if we were taking the measure of America’s biggest fecklessnessess.)

… and then John McCain, Iraq War supporter, Iraq War voter-for, let it be known that it was all Colin Powell’s fault that we were in Iraq in the first place:

“Colin Powell, interestingly enough, said that Obama got us out of Iraq,” McCain told the National Review. “But it was Colin Powell, with his testimony before the U.N. Security Council, that got us into Iraq.”

Yes. Yes, clearly the whole thing was Colin Powell’s idea. He tricked John McCain, and George Bush, and Dick Cheney, and the entire army of neoconservative dunderheads that thought that we might as well go for two wars instead of one because we had a special coupon offer or whatever the precise logic was, and it’s all his fault.

It’s true that John McCain has gotten exponentially more cranky since losing his presidential bid, but this still seems like a low blow. Please don’t fight, Bush-era hawks. There is more than enough blame to go around. Oh, so very much blame. We could attach a tape here of John McCain’s various pronouncements of how Iraq was the greatest threat to America since insert-something-here, but we are all very bored of John McCain, so he will have to look those up himself.

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Romney surrogate Trump takes another swing at proving his party has gone completely off the rails

Republican presidential candidate and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney (L) shakes hands with businessman and real estate developer Donald Trump at the Trump Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada February 2, 2012. Trump re-injected himself and his wealth int

Today appears to be the day the Republican Party goes out of their way to remind us all that yes, they are indeed completely nuts. Nearly lost in all the Mourdock news: Donald Trump’s latest Biggest Announcement Evah, which turns out to be very bold offer from Dr. Evil Trump to pay five million dollars if Barack Obama releases the college transcripts that Trump is absolutely convinced will show that Barack Obama is really not very bright, and therefore never really got elected president, or maybe is in reality a shady character named Buford T. ForeignGuy who travelled from college to college, during those years, collecting bad grades and becoming president of the Harvard Law Review and such. As blockbuster stories go, this one ranks somewhere in the category of “I will pay somebody $5 million to come up with a blockbuster story for me. Or an average story. Or to merely validate my worn-out existence for a while longer.”

A reminder: Mitt Romney has had to absolutely kowtow to this man. When last any non-Republican, non-reality-show watcher gave a damn about Donald Trump, Trump was deeply engaged in the publicity stunt of pretending he might possibly run for the presidency himself—a pretense that, Lord help us all, a goodly number of Republicans were actually excited about. Because Bachmann, Santorum, Gingrich, Cain and Ron Paul were not nearly crazy enough, or were crazy, but not in the right way, or merely because in the current era Republicans seem to not be able to tell the difference between a political contest and a three-ring-circus filled from bleacher to crowning flag with nothing but clowns. So here was Donald Trump, making a good Republican name for himself by (1) being rich and (2) stoking racist-premised theories about how the black president was probably not even a true American after all, and here was Mitt Romney, seeking his endorsement in front of a Trump-branded podium. Romney and Ryan then went on to happily use Trump as one of their many cash cows, holding private fundraising events with the clown, and saying nothing at all about Donald Trump’s sole political or campaign policy position, which was that the black man was unqualified for an ever-shifting set of reasons. The Republican Party did not need Donald Trump to push their little racist conspiracy theories, but Donald Trump became the self-declared king of them and, in exchange, holds the position he holds today.

Does Mitt Romney—or any Republican, for that matter—care in the slightest that Trump is a rotten boil on the political landscape? Do they give a damn that the Republican brand has so thoroughly been reduced to pandering to the lowest common denominator of their base, all the rest of reality be damned? Of course not. No matter how big a fool this dimwitted, Palinesque publicity hound makes himself, Mitt Romney will still shake his hand, and Paul Ryan will still hold private fundraisers with the man.

Just like Mourdock. Just like Akin. And Sheriff Joe Arpaio, and the ridiculous Steve King, and Paul Ryan himself, the king of unicorn-based math and fleecing the poor to make the rich a bit fatter, and just like Mitt Romney himself, the poster child for the very sons of bitches that wrecked the economy by putting casinos within casinos, shoving those casinos in bigger casinos and claiming the whole thing was so goddamn patriotic and freedom-loving that you were practically un-American if you chastised them for it.

Welcome to the modern Republican Party. These are the people who are chosen not to be shunned, but to speak for the party, and guide the party, and raise money for the party, and appear on television for the party, and hold the reins of party leadership. Congratulations, Republican Party. Whatever depths of vapidity and grifting you might have been aiming for, I’d say you’ve managed to get there and then some.

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What are the crazy people thinking today?

A grateful hat tip to Right Wing Watch for tallying some of the (worst) conservative reaction to the debates. I bet you were just dying to know what the leaders of the crazy brigade were thinking, their bayonets at the ready as they watched the debacle unfold. The answer seems to be “Mitt Romney is divinely inspired!”

Oh my, DIVINELY INSPIRED.   Romney looks kind, truthful and firm.  O looks mean, and like he is a liar..
@glennbeck via Twitter for iPad

Because, as the American Family Association knows,

Ok, I’m gonna say it. Obama is demonstrating he knows how to execute the angry black man persona. My gosh, how condescending to speak as he
@busterwilson via TweetCaster for iOS

No, really, Obama’s a crazy person!

Obama’s look appears demonic #debate
@f2a via txt

Eh, screw it. Let’s let the head of the internet’s biggest conspiracy shop put it all in perspective for us:

What difference does it make who won debate? Donald Trump is going to decide the election in 2 days…
@JosephFarah via web

Classic. But nobody can top the occasionally-still-allowed-on-television Ann Coulter. Dear networks: and you seek out her political wisdom because why, exactly?

I highly approve of Romney’s decision to be kind and gentle to the retard.
@AnnCoulter via web

I have so many questions about the universe conservatives seem to inhabit. Do they have airplanes there too? How is the shopping? Since there is no law of cause and effect, how are sports scores decided?

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Restaurant owner receives death threats after declining Romney visit

Gopasaur

Culture of something:

The owner of a Denver restaurant who has received death threats after declining a visit by Mitt Romney said Friday that he “could feel the hate in the air” at his business recently.

“On Thursday, it was horrible,” Oscar Aguirre, the owner of Rosa Linda’s Mexican Cafe, told POLITICO. “It was dead. Yesterday during lunch, you could feel the hate in the air.”

Aguirre’s crime was that a Romney aide asked if they could hold an official Romney campaign event there, Aguirre said no thanks, and that was that. But that wasn’t that, because he then started getting emails, and phone calls, from disgruntled conservatives put out that he would do such a horrible thing.

It hasn’t gotten quite as farcical as the ridiculousness that ensued after a Florida pizzeria owner hugged Barack Obama, leading to a nationwide effort by dimwits to give him bad reviews on Yelp, but anything that includes “death threats” is pretty damn bad.

On the other side of things, there was the bakery owner who declined a visit by Joe Biden. It seems like that worked out better, yes?

Back at the bakery, a couple of guys said they’d hoped to see Biden and didn’t care that the VP had been turned away.

“I mean it really doesn’t matter to me. Everyone has their own views so I love the food here anyway. I agree. Everybody’s different so I could care less,” said Spenser Critterton of Radford.

… and then Biden’s secret service detail bought a bunch of cookies.

Really, folks, it’s fine if a small business does not want to host Giant Political Event-Type Thingy. There are many reasons why a business might not want to do such a thing. There are many reasons why they would. If you’re getting worked up over that, you may need to consider whether you are investing your political time wisely.


Obama: Allies Will Soon Take Control of Libyan Campaign

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‘I have absolutely no doubt that we will be able to transfer control of this operation to an international coalition,’ President Obama said Tuesday.

 

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Obama Getting Heat From Left and Right for U.S. Role in Libyan Attacks

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Republicans such as Richard Lugar and Roscoe Bartlett are questioning the U.S. intervention, but so are Democrats Jim Webb and Dennis Kucinich.

 

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